Saturday, January 31, 2009

The Fog has Set In.

My worth is not in what I have. My worth is not in what I don't have.

I'm having to remind myself a lot of that these days. Sometimes I feel like I am caught in a movie. Watching the world unfold in slow motion. News clips play in my head...droning in the background of my everyday thoughts. The market is crashing. Homes are foreclosed on. Thousands of people losing jobs. It's as if I am just waiting my turn to become one of those statistics.

In actuality, I am.

I've blogged before about our housing situation. And for the most part, I think I have remained relatively calm and have tried to have a good perspective on the whole thing. I remind myself that we took the higher road. We didn't cheat the system. We didn't take out home equity loans and buy toys we couldn't afford. We are just a victim of circumstance. The details don't matter. What's happened has happened. And lately, I've been okay with it.

But yesterday, we got 4 letters in the mail. Count them 4. I opened 2. And I didn't even read them throughout because it made me physically sick to my stomach. It was basically a notice of our home being in default. I folded up the letter quickly and stuffed it back in the if tucking it away would make the problem go away. Then I put a happy face on and took my kids out to ice cream. When all I kept hearing in my head is what I failure I was. It was as if those words ripped apart my soul.

We worked so hard for what we had. I remember when we first bought our house in Las Vegas...we had a goal posted on our wall of what we needed to save to buy our first house. We ate every meal at home. We took every meal to work. We worked so hard. And we did it!!! When used that money and the profit from that house to buy our house in California...and now it is gone.

My worth is not in what I have. My worth is not in what I don't have.

So I turn off the news. I don't look at the newspaper. I don't want to be reminded of all the houses being foreclosed on. Because they are reporting about my life...and sometimes, that is too much to take in. That is how I feel on days like yesterday. And days like today.

Some days I feel as though God himself is trying to pierce through the noise of the crowd to get me to hear him. Sometimes all it takes is a whisper to remind me that stuff doesn't matter. And I feel okay. I feel good. But sometimes he needs to come through the clouds, wipe out the noise of the world by the sheer size of who he is, stand in front of me and yell in his booming, God voice, "STUFF DOESN'T MATTER". And when I hear that... When I allow my soul to digest that, I know that it doesn't matter. None of it does.

So why do I care? Why do I care about what people think of me? Why do I care about my credit rating? About living in a home that is so small, we do most of our "living" outside of it's walls. Why do I care? Cause I'm human and messed up and think that things matter. They don't. People do.

And I KNOW that there are a lot of people who have so much less than me. And are surely so much more grateful. They probably aren't up writing blogs with tears in their eyes feeling sorry for themselves. I want so much to be one of these people today and everyday. But the fog has set in on my heart...and tonight I am just waiting for it to clear.

My worth is not in what I have. My worth is not in what I don't have.


Heidi said...

I read this last night and didn't know what to say. I layed awake and thought so much about it... I hurt for you guys.

I wish I knew what to tell you. Something that would make it better. Something that you make the problem go away.

What I can tell you is that your strength of character is simply unparalleled. The way you have handled yourselves in this impossibly difficult situation is above reproach.

You have maintained such faith and demonstrated such integrity. I've learned so much from you...

I love you my friend. I pray that the fog lifts soon.

Don said...

Sweetheart, I wish I could hold you in my lap to wipe away the tears like I did when you were a little girl.

I know that you have "worked through" all this intellectually, but emotionally it's always one day at a time. It's that way with any loss. Like I know my parents are happy in the arms of Jesus, but that doesn't make me miss them any less. You can know God is in control of the "stuff" of life, but that doesn't make the reality of the bruises and scratches any less painful.

I can't kiss your hurts and make them better. I hope it helps you to know that we all are hurting with you. The upside is that you and Curtis are young, incredibly gifted, and extraordinarily "marketable" (if you want to think of yourselves that way). You'll look back on these rough days some day and see the mysterious beauty in them.

Love you both.

johnsonandjohnson said...

I'm sorry sis....I don't have the eloquent words....just the good ol' I'm sorry...

Lyn said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Lyn said...

Oh, Kristi, I wish I could write beautifully to tell you how I am hurting with you, but all I can do is write from my heart. You and Curtis have been so strong through all of this, and that strength only comes from God. Your faith has been such an encouragement to us as we watch you take this journey. We just wish it didn't have to be that way, but we know that God is walking with you through it all, and one day you will come out on the other side - stronger and happier.

Thanks for sharing your heart and your thoughts today. I know it isn't easy to do. Like Dad, I wish I could hold you in my lap and kiss and hug all your hurts away. I love you so much!!!

We are praying for you and with you.

VikingMom said...

Someday when the fog is gone, you'll see clearly how God got you through it all and why. As for now...know that you are incredibly loved and not alone. God is bigger than any bank or credit rating--He's definitely got your back. He won't ever let go.

Rick said...

When I think of you and Curtis, I don't think of someone who is going through the pain that you are. I think of you as someone who, each week, teaches me a little bit more about how to worship. The fact that you are able to do that while going through such pain should put to rest all questions about how much you are worth. As a sidelight, do you suppose the timing of the current series at church and the delivery of those letters is not just coincidence?

AMankin said...

so so sorry my sweet friend. We love you and are in your corner. You're mantra is right, just keep saying it while it hurts. I believe the hurt will end and the fog will lift and the sun and joy WILL come back.

The Unlikely Pastor's Wife said...

mmmmm, thanks for sharing your heart Kristi- it's a good reminder for all of us,
"our worth is not in what we have, our worth is not in what we don't have."
and meaningful

Diane Davis said...

i love you in your clear state of mind and your foggy state of mind. in your trusting heart and in your confused heart. all of you... love you.

World of Wright said...

We all have these times in our lives when we wish we could turn back the hands of time.
Soon the dust will settle and you will come to realize that this event has shaped you in ways you couldn't imagine.

Kristen said...

I'm so sorry you guys are going through this . . .